Loss & heart break!!!

Wow, think its been 10 years since i last saw the love of my life and 10 years without him…10 years since we broke up.

It doesn’t make much sense does it?

Well 10 years ago i lost the best relationship i could have ever had, i will call him I.W.

He was and still feels like the love of my life. Separated through the years by distance, new relationships and new life paths. However, i feel our souls connected and stayed connected despite all the barriers and obstacles life threw us.

He was in south African and i was in the uk. We had been together for 5 years, 2 of those years at the start were spent living together and sharing every moment together. We also worked together too, then his holiday working Visa came to an end and then our long distance relationship begun and just got so hard to bear. Cracks began to show and we both buckled.

He moved on with someone else and so did i, half heartedly…

Yes half heartedly, because i compared every single person to him and no man could ever rise to him. Every man fell short, fell short massively. No one ever came close to being like I.W.

After a few failed short relationships, i began dating someone and felt at this point that nothing could fulfill me but having children. So i settled, i settled and had 3 children thinking this is what i needed. All through the years since 2009 the only person i could think of, wonder about was I.W. I would google his name, I’d search facebook for anything i could get, photos, updates that perhaps he is engaged, or maybe that he is married or has kids. I never found any, only a few with his new fiancee and friends.

I wondered if she made him happy, if he was happy, if he thought of me at all. I think back and wished i had gone to South Africa and fought to have him back.

I found myself messaging anyone connected to him the first few years of our break up. I emailed his mother, messaged his cousins…i got no reply, i guess they must of thought i was crazy. But at that point i just wanted to feel like i was trying my best to get hold of him, to get him to understand how i still felt about him.

It had been 4 years gone and i would still ask friends to message him via facebook and tell him how much i loved him.

Its been 10 years since we broke up, however, to me…it feels like yesterday.

This July 2019, i thought I’d browse Facebook and have a look at what he has gotten up to recently. Only to find messages about his death, i thought i must have got it wrong, it can’t be him. I searched even more and more, to only find more articles, reports, messages from friends and family about his death.

I felt numb, i felt like i couldn’t breathe as i burst into uncontrollable crying.

I messaged my family one sentence on a group chat “I.W. has been killed”.

My family have always known how much he meant to me and that he was definitely the love of my life. That the feeling between us was mutual.

I sobbed for days, weeks and still find myself in tears.

One of the hard parts is just feeling no one around me understands. How could anyone understand when our relationship ended 10 years ago.

I lost the love of my life in June 2019.

He felt to me, like the other half of me.

Despite not being together i always felt, believed, hoped and had faith that he would one day come back to me. That some how in our old age, we’d get back together and laugh about our time apart.

Now all those hopes and dreams are dead. How do i even move on?

I messaged his mom and she replied, but i don’t think she knows truly how heart broken i am.

I was so grateful when a friend of his messaged me and we spoke for a while, he seemed to understand how i felt.

I can imagine you must all think… well you must have moved on you have 3 kids with someone. Well, life i guess is never black and white. After I.W. i tried dating but that didn’t fill the ache, heartbreak or loneliness i felt. I always knew i wanted to have children at a young age so turned my attention to that. I felt i met the perfect match in I.W., however, i couldn’t keep him. So i went for someone completely the opposite thinking it would work out. It turned out ok, he is an amazing person and he gave me 3 wonderful kids, but even he knows of I.W. and knows he could never be him. He knows that there will forever be that hole in my heart, that empty space left for I.W.

How do you grieve the death of some you loved and still love from so many years ago?

How do you come to terms with it all?

Have you ever loved someone even though you’re no longer with them?

Have you ever felt the ache i feel?

My only advice ***fight for what you believe in, try your hardest to let that person know how much you love them and in the end you’ll hopefully have no regrets knowing you tried your hardest.

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